That is where this fairytale begins. It is hardly an uncommon experience and in many media industries, getting fired is a rite of passage. However, somewhere in my 11 years in radio, my identity began to meld with my occupation. I enjoyed telling people I was a radio personality. They always seemed genuinely impressed even though most would quickly disclose, “No offense, but I haven’t listened to the radio in years.”
No offense taken. Can you think of anyone under the age of 30 that even listens to the radio? I can’t. So, I would accept the praise all the same!
I had been warned about defining yourself by what you did for work, and I was about to find out why. I was suddenly fighting to score one of the few remaining jobs in the industry. I began with an erratic fervor characteristic of a nervous system dialed to maximum volume. LinkedIn became my best friend as I connected with anyone who would allow me five minutes of their time.
As the weeks and the months passed, the nervous energy began to fade, and depression and hopelessness set in. There was a good chance that I was done. It might be time to shelve that career and pick up a new one. Over time, I hardly recognized myself. I used to feel confident, competent and resourceful. I used to feel excited and optimistic about the future. Now I felt like a useless loser and thinking about the future made me feel physically ill.
What was I going to do? How long do I keep pushing? Whenever I go through a challenging time, I start implementing what I affectionately refer to as The Things.
If you’ve ever listened to an Andrew Huberman or Peter Attia podcast, you know what I’m talking about. They go something like this, Eat Healthy: The gut is the second brain after all. Exercise: In my case, we are talking zone 2 and zone 5 cardio, weightlifting, mobility training, stretching and active recovery walking. Sunlight: It’s no secret that fresh air and sunlight elevate your mood. Sleep: This one is pretty self-explanatory.
Now I am no stranger to healthy living and wellness. I had started running for exercise when I was 11 years old and weightlifting the following year. So, whenever I was going through a difficult time, I would really lean into The Things. But something was different this time. It wasn’t working. I was becoming even more depressed and anxious. And then I began to sprinkle shame on the situation.
“You don’t have cancer, you have both your legs, your family and friends are healthy and happy, you have a wonderful man in your life, and you still aren’t happy,” I would tell myself. “What an ungrateful loser. You lost a job, so what? This happens to people every day. Get it together!”
I felt whatever the opposite of resilient is and I was plagued by these thoughts all day, every day. I was becoming a shell of my former self.
The Things only brought me minor and temporary relief, but I kept doing them because I didn’t know what else to do. Months passed and I began to ruminate excessively.
I came from a loving middle-class family. I had everything I needed to become a success. I had an idyllic childhood full of accomplishments and meaningful friendships. I went to a prestigious university. I should have knocked this career thing out of the park.
It then occurred to me that I was determined to learn something from this. What if I find a new job soon…and then I get fired or laid off again, will I be thrown right back into this emotional mess? Unacceptable.
I remember thinking, If I can’t change my employment situation, perhaps there’s a way to change my mental situation. It was also at this point that I realized I had absolutely no tools or internal resources to regulate my emotions. All I knew how to do was run, lift and move. Which, to be fair, have their place in the health space. But I was doing that and it wasn’t working.
I had heard some friends and health gurus talk about meditation, but being left alone with my thoughts was about the last thing I was willing to do. I would rather spend 3 hours torturing myself doing squats at the gym than 10 minutes alone with my thoughts. But at this point, I was willing to try anything for peace of mind. Maybe it was time to explore some Eastern wisdom. Monks seem pretty relaxed.
A two minute search on the internet revealed that I was only 10 minutes away from Kadampa Meditation Center (KMC) in Safety Harbor. The lessons I began to learn were profound. It was my attachments that were causing my suffering…my self-cherishing beliefs. My attachment to my career in radio was killing me. I needed to let it go and know that I was going to be okay no matter what happened. Perhaps I could redefine my value instead. I put value and effort into being a better friend, spouse and daughter.
I also needed to understand that everyone is suffering and meet people with compassion and kindness, because they are probably doing their best. And I started to think about myself in that way. This perspective shift has been wildly helpful for me.
When you’re in a dark time in your life and you hate yourself, self-love can be too lofty a goal. Forgive me for being cynical, but screaming self-affirmations at myself in the mirror every morning didn’t work. I had to shelve self-love and explore self-neutrality…that was far more appealing because it was more attainable. The gap between expectation and reality is a painful one, so by removing the expectation and accepting my reality, I found increased peace of mind.
While I am still figuring out what comes next career-wise, I have learned the difference between self-pity, which leads us to feel resentful and helpless, and self-compassion, which promotes resilience and self-awareness.
